For the first time in about four years, I have no band to work for. As a very mission and objective driven person with a single minded focus, I am starting to feel unmoored and drifting.
I feel very much like Captain Willard in Apocalypse Now but minus the interpretive dancing to The Doors and the mirror punching. Sitting at home and staring at the walls, waiting for a mission and knowing how slim the likelihood is that one will arrive. Downtime has never been good for me. That’s when the depression monster starts to rattle its cage and tries to get out.
In an effort to push back against the restlessness that comes with all of my newly found free time I have started writing with more frequency. Now granted, the majority of those words are not meant for human consumption by any stretch of the imagination. It feels more like I’m trying to get the poison out while I’m writing but it also feels like I’m sharpening a blade. There are points while I’m writing where I stop and laugh at myself and start thinking that maybe I should lighten up a bit. And that’s when I exclaim “NO!!!” and keep digging deeper down the hole. It might not be healthy to plumb that far into the depths of my broken brain but at least I’m aware of how tightly wound I am.
I am still trying to get to as many shows as I possibly can to take pictures and continue my bizarre efforts of documentation that only myself and about three other people seem to care about. It does feel like something is missing when I’m only there with my camera. That thing that is very wrong in my head because I see facing the logistical challenges of getting a band on stage as some sort of achievement is no longer being fed. There is no longer that sense of camaraderie at the end of the night of a show well played while sitting in a Sheetz parking lot, rehydrating and licking our wounds with hours of road between us and home.
I have found an upside in all of this and it's that I get to be more selective about the shows I drag my carcass to. Now I can avoid certain bands, venues and groups of people because I don’t feel obligated to attend anymore and put up with the baggage that comes with them.
The one issue that I seem to be experiencing more and more these days is my inability to turn off parts of my brain and it’s becoming a larger problem than usual. Having nowhere to point my nervous energy that would normally be aimed at making a show run efficiently is manifesting itself in other areas of my day to day. My shitty office job really doesn’t need me acting like it’s a punk show for eight hours. That’s the last thing that anyone needs.
Trying to occupy my every free moment with the various meaningless tasks that I get up to instead of trying to actually address my unaddressed trauma like a normal person would do has almost been helpful. At least it’s been helpful by way of keeping myself busy and focussed on some sort of activity. There are still times where I find myself doing pushups in my living room at 1:30 in the morning because I can’t sleep and my brain won’t shut the fuck up.
With music being the tie that bound us together, maintaining and keeping the friendships intact will be difficult for me. I always shy away from any party type of atmosphere and most, if not all, social situations. I’m good for about an hour but then the anxiety kicks in and it’s time to go. It has nothing to do with the company kept, most of the time. It has to do with my inability to deal with most interactions with people. It all comes back to me being more comfortable with my solitude than other human beings. If it weren’t for live music I would never leave the house. When the music is over I immediately head to the exit. And in this instance the music really is over.
There is still some Submachine business left to tend to but I’m not sure where I fit into those plans. I would never want to overstep my bounds and serve more than an advisory role in the decision making process. Even if I were asked, it wouldn’t feel right to me, like I didn’t earn it. The mission is changing and it will be up to me to find a way to adapt to it as best I can.
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