A few weeks ago, I walked into the
break room at day job to witness something that I had only heard
about but never thought that someone would actually do. One of the
mouth breathing geniuses that I work with was jamming a knife into a
toaster in order to liberate her bagel from its evil clutches.
I stopped cold in my tracks to see how
electrifying this woman's breakfast was about to get. Especially
since the toaster was still plugged in.
Ever since I was a child, I remember
being told by my parents, the teachers at school and PSAs during
Saturday morning cartoons to never stick anything into a toaster. I
guess some folks didn't get the memo because I sure thought that it
was common knowledge.
Not only was the toaster still plugged
in, she was also cradling it under her arm while stabbing away at it
so more than likely she was getting burned by the toaster while
facing the possibility of electrocution.
Now call me crazy but I don't think I
have ever put myself in mortal danger over my desire for breakfast
foods. I am a sucker for an everything bagel with cream cheese but I
don't want to gamble with The Reaper over it while getting burns all
over my arm.
This was clearly some evolutionary/too
stupid to live type activity and I was most certainly going to stick
around to see if I needed to dial 911. After about a minute of
grunting and stabbing at the toaster, the bagel was freed and the
high stakes game of Operation
had come to an end without anyone's nose lighting up.
Crisis averted. Or so I thought.
A few days later,
she's at it again with the knife in the toaster. This has become an
almost daily occurrence. I am no expert in statistics and
probability but I don't think I'm going out on a limb by thinking
that the odds of this idiot dying a bagel related death are pretty
high.
One of the many
mind boggling things involved with this is that there is a fully
operational toaster oven on the counter next to the regular toaster. I guess some people just like to live more dangerously than I do when
it comes to making breakfast. Staring down Death every morning for
the sake of carb loading is something that I am apparently not brave
enough to go through with. I almost want to ask her if she'd like to
stand in a small tub of water while she preps her bagel but she'd
probably be game for upping the ante.
There
is a special kind of stupid that can somehow wander through the world
unscathed by its own stupidity. This person is a licensed driver and
a licensed gun owner. How she has made it into her fifties without
something horrifyingly stupid happening to her well-being is beyond
me.
I have stopped
trying to figure out why society and the world around me seems to be
getting worse. No wonder we, as a species, can't manage to take the
big steps necessary to confront the problems that face humanity. The
big, dumb animal known as homo-sapiens is too busy still sticking
knives into toasters.
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